The Unashamed Lived Experience Blog

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Victoria

My story starts when I was a child. I’d obsess over my parents dying and have rituals to keep them safe. I had harm ocd when I was only 10 but didn’t know that’s what it was. I obsessed about my sexuality and then my health and had crippling anxiety that never made sense to me.

Then in 2014, when I was 18, I met this guy and he was everything I’d ever dreamed of. The absolute love of my life. Things were basically perfect and I was on cloud 9. Then one day, I had an intrusive thought: ‘I don’t love you’.

This set off my first serious episode which lasted for about 9 months. At its worst I was bed-bound, not wanting to wake up in the morning out of fear of what other thoughts might come up. I was incessantly googling, completely confused about why I would think something like that about someone I was so seemingly crazy about.

I saw a psych at the time and told them the thoughts and they said ‘oh well maybe we’ll try you on Lexapro and then we will figure out whether the thoughts are true or not’. Probably the worst thing they could say to someone with ocd. So from then, I promised myself I wouldn’t divulge anymore thoughts to them. I tried breaking up with my partner almost every week even though it wasn’t what I wanted. I just desperately wanted to get rid of the thoughts. Then one day, the thoughts just disappeared and I went back to ‘normal’. No thoughts. No compulsions. As if the whole thing never happened.

Then it came back. Another episode began for about 6 months this time. Compulsions. Depression. Anxiety. The whole thing. Then it would disappear, as if it never happened. I kept cycling in and out of these terrifying episodes for about 8 years. Never knowing what was wrong and why my brain was telling me such awful things about my partner.

In 2023, I fell pregnant with our daughter and this would set off one of the worst episodes of my life. Immediately the thoughts ramped up and held me hostage. I stopped leaving the house, became severely depressed and was set on ending my life after our baby was born. At 6 months pregnant, I was writing goodbye letters to my family, in preparation for my eventual suicide. At 32 weeks pregnant, I was hospitalised and formally diagnosed with ocd. I remember sitting alone in a hospital bed, thinking my life was over.

I got out of hospital and met my psychologist who specialised in ocd. She told me I wouldn’t be able to get rid of the thoughts and that the thoughts were here to stay. Again, I thought my life wasn’t worth living if that was the case.

Heavily medicated (three types of medication) and heavily pregnant, I went into labour and had our baby girl. I was still so sick and wrapped up in mental compulsions BUT I knew I couldn’t possibly leave the earth and not take care of our little girl.

So my fight began. Gradually, through therapy and the right medication, the light in my life started to creep back in. I want to be clear – the thoughts did not stop. But my compulsions eventually did.

Two years later, I still live with ocd everyday. I still experience intrusive thoughts. The difference is I live my life alongside them and have stopped paying attention to them. They no longer take centre stage – instead my husband and my daughter do.

When I had my first episode my ocd told me I wouldn’t be able to have a life with this man. That it was going to destroy us and rip my dreams apart.

My reality today is that I STILL get to love this man and we are living out my dream life with our little girl. The compulsions are basically gone now and I just have ocd chatter. Some days it’s barely there, other days it’s loud. On the loud days I use my tools. I would not change this journey for anything. I am so much more resilient and I am humbled by my experience.

There IS hope. You can live your dream life with this disorder. Never suffer alone. Find someone who specialises in ocd and keep an open mind with medication. It will save your life.

Anonymous

I can remember the day my life changed forever. 6 years ago I went to sleep one night and was awoken by a terrible intrusive nightmare. From this point on I spiralled wondering why I had the dream and why I would ever have such a disturbing thought ( even though entirely out of my control) for months I struggled wondering what was wrong with me.

I tried talk therapy before I knew what I was dealing with was OCD. I could not speak to family, friends or anyone because how could I open up about how I am having sexual thoughts and dreams about everyone I love.

It wasn’t every single day, it would go away for stretches of time. This past December I came home for winter break and there I was, back to square one with it being amped up to the max. I couldn’t fathom how my favorite time of year could feel so miserable, where days felt long and sad and I wanted to not be here anymore… just to gain some peace.

I started therapy right before Christmas and I am still going to this day. It is hard to accept something you don’t feel like you deserve. But, it does get easier knowing there are so many people out there that also deal with this. Is it fair to any of us? Absolutely not.

However, we are not alone. This community of people is one of the reasons I am still here putting in the work. I understand now nothing was ever wrong with me, there was a lack of representation, help and stigma, the list goes on. We are all so strong and I hope anyone reading this knows that sure, we may die with this disorder, but we will not die BECAUSE of this disorder. Hugs to you all that read this. <3

Riley

I was 15, and I was stuck in an endless thought loop on whether or not I was the worst human being for months on end. I would wake up and there would be 3 seconds of peace , before the thoughts would turn on and dictate my life.

If I saw a group of people talking, I’d convince myself they were going to hurt me. I moved school simply because I saw someone tap on a table and my intrusive thoughts convinced me they were out to ‘jump’ me. I knew that wasn’t the case deep down, but when you have these thoughts, you doubt what is reality and what is your mind.

I would have these intrusive thoughts on the bus to school, and was genuinely convinced people could hear what I was thinking. The amount of times I’d have a conversation with someone and think about it later wondering ‘did I say anything offensive ‘ or ‘ could they interpret what I said badly ‘ (obviously I would never say something offensive but OCD makes you lose your sense of self and values. The key thing is to know who you are and identify those intrusive thoughts that aren’t you .

Charlotte Duff

I’m actually experiencing an OCD spike at the moment and I’m leaning on the many tools that I’ve learned.

Firstly, I’m living my life anyway! OCD does not get to dictate what I do or don’t do. I’m still going out, spending time with loved ones and still doing things that bring me joy.
Secondly, anxiety often feels like such an emergency, like something that needs to be explored and dealt with right away but it’s absolutely okay to just… do nothing. Don’t argue, don’t try to figure it out, don’t try to reason with it. It will ease and it will come down.

Lastly, OCD will latch on to whatever you’re afraid of. That can be literally anything! I like to think that it’s my brain trying to protect me and keep me safe but I know, deep down in my wisest self, that I’ve got this. I don’t need to do what OCD is telling me to do – it’s misguided and overly cautious. Something I’ve always remembered is that you are not your anxious intrusive thoughts, rather you are the person watching them. Try to let them be there, without attaching meaning to them. That’s where you find lasting peace. It’s all a learning process and there are definitely harder times, but if there’s anything I know about OCD sufferers it’s this: we’re much, much stronger than we realise!

Justine Lambert: My amazing Mum

First off, as Molly’s Mum I have to say I am beyond proud of how she has steered herself through her life despite having OCD and intrusive thoughts that made her childhood and teen years a misery. As her parents, we had no clue as to what she was enduring. We thought she was suffering extreme stress over exams. I would go back in time and comfort the young her with all my might if I could, but I can’t.

When we first were told and were starting to understand what she was going through, it was a massive shock. The fact that she came close to suicide on more than one occasion was unbearable. I felt guilt and horror that we were not able to help her when she needed it. She is always so full of life, funny and loud, meaning she masked it amazingly. We tried to learn as much as we could about OCD especially the more taboo themes and she helped us with this by answering questions with straightforward honesty.  I think she is and has been incredibly brave with her openness and it is helping so many people.

In support of my marvellous Molly, I am doing a course in Mental Health Awareness (bloody hard studying at the grand old age of 56!) and helping her with proof reading and editing the blogs. I am proud and honoured to be able to support her supporting others in any way I can. I’m a lucky Mum.